Weekend Writing Warriors – 5/11/14

www_bannerWelcome to Snippet Sunday and Weekend Writing Warriors! Happy Mother’s Day to those moms visiting! For those new to this, fellow writers post eight sentences from one of our works. I’ve been revising my New Adult steampunk romance, STEAM ME UP RAWLEY, so I thought I’d share. This is the first scene in the hero’s POV and he’s just landed in the backyard of the heroine’s home in a hot air balloon. She’s standing in front of him and he’s just finished an inner monologue of three sentences basically saying his goal had been to get bathed and settled:

Especially before he met the daughter of the house.

Now his feet wouldn’t move.

And he had the strangest sensation as he stared at the vision before him—part of him still felt like he was in the air, his whole body vibrating from the engine, but another part felt completely and irrevocably and inexplicably fixed in position as if his feet had always been planted there before her.

His heart, already galloping from the touch-and-go flight, stilled as if taking a deep breath, and then sped up again as if it had run the whole way from Plymouth, England.

At first all he’d seen was hair—dark and curly and wild—though disguised in a fetching and demure pile on her head. It gave all the appearance of barely constrained energy, as if all he need do was pop the hat off her head for it to come alive in his hands.

But it was her eyes that had him imitating a tree trunk, vibrating in place. Cinnamon-colored and flecked with gold, they sparked with intelligence and humor.

I welcome all comments, even constructive crits. To join in the fun and see the other wonderful writers, go to Weekend Writing Warriors! Thanks for stopping by!

I’ll be hanging out Friday and Saturday for the RT Book Convention, though not officially. Let me know if you’ll be there too!

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17 Comments

  1. So good to see you back on the writing memes, Angela! Very nice imagery, and I see why he’s captured by her presence. My only bit was in the first paragraph where you use two ands: ‘another part felt completely and irrevocably and inexplicably fixed’. I know that this is already published, but I felt that maybe you could use a comma after the first adverb then and for the third. Just for future reference. Anyways, good snippet!

    Reply
    • Actually, it’s not published yet! I was actually using a rhetorical device there (polysyndeton) to try and emphasize how much she affects him but if others trip up on that too I might have to rethink it. Thanks for your input!

      Reply
  2. A very fun and engaging snippet. I can’t wait to see what she has to say about this man landing a hot hair balloon in her backyard!

    Reply
  3. Excellent snippet, great imagery and beautifully written.

    Reply
  4. Loved this (I do have to agree with Frank on the three “ly” words connected by and). The language is gorgeous and I get that he’s totally flummoxed by her. Can’t wait for more, excellent excerpt!

    Reply
  5. What, no monkey?

    Reply
    • LOL, you remembered! Yeah, he’s in the scene, he’s just run off to catch his cravat so the hero doesn’t know about him yet…

      Reply
  6. Gem

     /  May 11, 2014

    I enjoyed his first glimpse of her and his over-the-top response. I followed this story before. Great seeing more of it in development.

    Reply
  7. Karen Michelle Nutt

     /  May 11, 2014

    Love the description of the eyes. Lovely!!

    Reply
  8. Very effective passage!

    Reply
  9. Lovely writing–with or without the ands.

    Reply
  10. He’s smitten for sure!

    I love your work, Angela—all your characters are so vivid and alive. 😀

    Reply
  11. What an awesome premise for a story! Love the details and descriptions throughout, Angela. So incredibly vivid. Well done! 🙂

    Reply
  12. Lovely excerpt, Angela. Vivid and emotional, just enough detail. I agree about the “and”s, but it’s a small bump for me and would certainly not make me stop reading. I’ve been wondering how your progress on this is coming along.

    Reply
  13. I love his reaction to her. (And I’m curious as to what she thinks of him!)

    Reply
  14. Wonderful to see you’re writing again –

    Reply
  1. Weekend Writing Warriors – 5/24/14 | Angela Quarles | Geek girl romance writer

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